Blue Hydrangea​

'I can't sleep tonight
The ghost I try so hard to shove
Back deep into the abyss is
Mingling with the forefronts of my mind
I stared at the ceiling until
I could no longer distinguish between
The darkness of the room and
The darkness of my thoughts
You
All I could think about is you
It's nights like these where I
Lay still, gasping for
Air, choking on
Regret and the words
I never said
“No.”
Would it have made you
“Stop.”
Hear me, if the commands
“Get off of me.”
Had fallen from my lips
Like the frozen tears in my eyes
Frozen
I just laid frozen
Wishing to fall into the sky
To be cradled by
The bare hickory branches
But instead
I had only reluctantly felt
Your touch, I hate
The memory of your
Fingers on my skin
Pulling, probing, prodding
Places prohibited,
Pushing me back down because you weren't done
Touching everywhere
Taking everything.
The nightmare that
Replays while I
Lay awake
Both dreading and
Yearning for sleep.

---

Nani Neal
was born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Despite earning a Bachelor of Science in Materials Science and Engineering from the University of Pittsburgh, her love of writing never left her. As a Black creative, she frequently
writes pieces exploring themes of race and femininity, where she is able to turn personal and systemic trauma into art. She is currently located in College Station, Texas, working on her PhD in Materials Science and Engineering.

---